Yesterday.

I lost my baby.

This would have been my third child. We were very excited.

“What if it’s a boy?!”
“I hope it’s twin boys!”
“If it’s a girl we can name her Christiana.”
“If it’s a boy we’ll name him Leo.”
“We’ll be holding a baby when we have our next wedding anniversary”
“Now we’ll have birthdays 4 months in a row, May, June, July, and mine in August.”
“How should we announce we’re pregnant? We can do it on Thanksgiving again.”
“Just think, Honey. We’re going to have 3 children now.”

Over the weekend we celebrated the baptism of my friends son. It was a beautiful church and a beautiful message on the importance of baptism(of course), and the importance of teaching your children to seek Christ. A great reminder that it is important to bring them to church to receive God’s great gift of salvation through Jesus Christ through their little ears.

We haven’t been to church much since Isabella was born. As we started to get a few church attendances in back to back I soon became pregnant with Sofia. I was exhausted and again the bad habit of missing church soon came. Time passes so soon. I’ve held my children back from hearing the gospel. But on Saturday, October 17, the baptism was a great reminder that God is always with us and not to neglect the good gifts He has blessed us with every Sunday morning. Witnessing the baptism was a blessing to know that despite our poor church attendance that God has been and always is with us.

We came home that Saturday afternoon. I had a terrible headache that lasted for hours into the evening. We were hoping to attend church that Saturday evening but I was feeling terrible.

Sunday morning came and went. My whole body ached. I thought I had done too much on Saturday and that because I slept on the floor in the girls room that my pregnant body had enough and demanded rest.

I challenged my fatigued body and went on a family walk. Leo pushed the stroller this time. I could not believe how sore my body was. One lap around is less than a mile and as we walked up the tiny incline up our street I could not believe how hard it had become for me. That’s what I get for not being as active as I should be. I decided to listen to my body and get back inside to rest.

Evening came and we realized that “The Walking Dead” was going to start in 30 minutes and we needed to get the girls to bed ASAP! They fell asleep fast. We even had 10 minutes to spare to grab and ice cream that we didn’t have to share with anyone, and could cuddle and watch one of our favorites shows, together and uninterrupted. During a commercial I went to the restroom and noticed a little blood. Spotting. Nothing alarming but something I knew to monitor. The next morning it seemed to have calmed down. Still spotting but not as much. My second trip to the restroom that Monday morning was what made me concerned. More blood. And this time it was a brighter red. I laid down as much as possible. My husband came home early since he had concerns from the moment he woke up.

We ended up in the emergency room at 5:08pm since I now noticed blood clots. It was packed. We didn’t get called until almost 9pm. The nurse was nice, the doctor was trustworthy. I had an ultrasound done. I had already done my research on what to expect to see in the monitor to indicate that the pregnancy is not viable. I googled what an ultrasound with and without a fetal pole looks like and tried to remember as much as I could. I should have been 9 weeks along. The ultrasound tech said the doctor would tell me more and that it might be too early to see a fetal pole. That possibly the dates are wrong and maybe I’m earlier than expected, around 6 weeks.

The doctor had ordered blood work to check hcg levels. I knew that my hcg level on September 26th was at 6226 miu/ml. When the doctor came back with results from both the ultrasound and blood work he said it wasn’t great news, but hopeful. He said the ultrasound showed no fetal pole and again said it might still be too early. He informed me that my hcg level was in the 6400’s, which was still good. That is when I knew. I told him at that point about the previous hcg level being about the same. It is supposed to double every 2-3 days. He apologized and told me it is likely the pregnancy is not viable.

I followed up with the Nurse Practitioner the following day which would have been my first OB visit for this pregnancy. I cried there in room 39. I cried again as I walked towards the ER lobby. A nurse stopped what she was doing to get me a box of tissue. I held back tears as I walked through the mass of people in the ER waiting room. I tried not to cry as we waited for our car. Leo opened the car door for me. As soon as the door shut I cried and cried. The hopes and dreams we had for our new baby stopped.

I kept trying to make sense of it searching for one last piece of hope to cling to. So that is when I cried and begged God to save this baby. I begged God on the baby’s behalf as I remembered the prayer Jonah cried out to God:

In my distress I called to the Lord,
    and he answered me.
From deep in the realm of the dead I called for help,
    and you listened to my cry.”

I knew that if a miracle would happen that it would. With the evidence given to me it was clear the baby stopped growing at an early stage. God spared us. It was slightly easier to cope knowing that no fetal pole might mean that there may never have been a heart at all that once beat. It’s hard to explain and understand that.

After our appointment yesterday, October 20th, the nurse gave us the option of a natural miscarriage or D&C. Both my girls were csection and I have felt bad that my body never felt the pain of labor and would never birth naturally. I didn’t want the D&C. Not against it, but felt like I really needed to do this naturally. I felt like if I didn’t I would have failed this child. The nurse said I was not dilated at all and that it may take a week or two for my body to understand what was happening. I felt like I could finally relax my body because I felt like since the bleeding started I just kept clinging to the small bit of hope. As we drove back home I felt like I accepted what was happening and my body felt less tense.

Later that evening around 7pm I passed what would have grown into my third child. My body felt better and I felt okay mentally. I accepted what was taking place as much as I could. I know that it’s okay to cry and I do cry here and there.

From the excitement of getting the positive pregnancy test on September 13th, the excitement I had on September 28th when I saw my updated medical record showed “Pregnancy”, up until yesterday, all the excitement of a child, dreaming about his or hers future; I’m somehow thankful. I’m thankful that there was no worry during those few weeks. I’m thankful for the renewed love of my husband. I’m thankful that I am able to grieve with my husband.

We will miss what would have been. But we are as okay as we can be.

Seeing the smile on our girls faces makes things better. They lift my spirits. Even through this tragic event my heart still feels grateful. I’m not sure how and maybe I’ll feel angry at some point but for now I feel okay.

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